A collection of some hilarious jokes :)

[YashBhatt]

Blonde Cookbook

Weekly Menu:
Monday: It is fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake. The recipe said 'beat 12 eggs separately'. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said 'serve without dressing'. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for dinner.


Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said 'wash thoroughly before steaming the rice'. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said 'prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving'. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said 'put all ingredients in bowl and beat it'. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (Oh Boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

[YashBhatt]

cop and the speeding driver

After pulling over a speeding driver, a police officer continues with the usual procedure, asking the driver for his license.
I don't have one, the driver answers, I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? the officer then asks.
It's not my car, the driver responds, I stole it.
The confused officer then asks, The car is stolen?
That's right, says the driver. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

You're telling me there's a gun in the glove box? the officer says.

Yes sir, the driver continues. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

There's a body in the trunk?!? the amazed officer asks.
Still straight faced, the driver answers, Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. Numerous other cops show up for back up and the captain slowly approaches the driver to handle this tense situation.

The Captain then approaches, Sir, can I see your license?

Here you go officer, the driver says calmly as he hands him a legit ID.

Who's car is this? the Captain asks.
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card, the driver answers while handing him a valid registration in his name.

Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? the Captain continues.
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it, the driver responds. Sure enough, there is nothing in the glove box.

The Captain then asks, Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.
No problem, the driver says before opening the trunk, which is also empty.

I don't understand it, the Captain says. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.

Yeah, the driver says. And I'll bet you the lying son-of-a-b***h told you I was speeding, too!

[YashBhatt]

The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private area and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?"

"Yes", the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

[YashBhatt]

God`s Help

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well.

He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer!

He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"

Still nothing ..... and the train was just seconds away!

He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!

He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

[YashBhatt]

Fastest Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing", the man responds, "this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you 5000 bucks that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy 5000, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.

"Told you it'll be there before your dog."

[YashBhatt]

The Intruder

A woman had just returned home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of stealing her valuables, she yelled,"Stop....Acts 2:38!"(turn from your sin).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?, replied the burglar. "I thought she said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
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[YashBhatt]

Moses the Secret Agent

Little Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

[navjotjsingh]

the intruders and the turtle ones are very funny!

[YashBhatt]

Gender Roles

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait after the war and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
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[YashBhatt]

Only Married Men

In a small town, there was a big factory that hired only married men.

Upset, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders and have learned to keep their mouths shut when I yell at them."