Funny Quotes

[navjotjsingh]

Quotes: some are funny, others are just quotes

I am a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.

The best part about Tigger is that he's the only one.

You laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

When you feel like criticizing the younger generation, just remember who raised them.

If you plan to look back and laugh later, you might as well laugh now.

At what point did this seem like a good idea?

As you travel down the road of life, whatever be your goal, be sure to keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. -John F. Kennedy

There's a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

I don't know what hurts worse, saying something that you wish you hadn't or not saying anything when you wish you had.

“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.”

“Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words”

“Don’t walk ahead of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over”

“Men and women can never truly be friends. Sex always gets in the way.”

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin? To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. ‘Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.’ What am I, a microwave?"

“Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.”

“It's who we don't say no to that defines who we are.”

“When life hands you an orange, make screwdrivers.”

“Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.”

“Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.”

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are
ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”

“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, ‘What was THAT?!’”

“Mr. Madison. What you've just said....is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

“Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.”

“Feminism causes women to kill their husbands, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

“A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.”

“Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.”

“Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten: boys are stupid.”

“Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.”

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, ‘Probably because of something you did.’”

“I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.”

“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell”

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist fears this is true.”

“If you take life too seriously you won't get to laugh along with everybody else when you fail.”

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.”

“What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?”



“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun.”

“I used to rock n’ roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky."

“Heaven doesn’t want me and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.”

“Killing yourself is absolute cowardice. I mean, waaa waaa, I can't deal with my problems, better take the lazy way out...”

“If I keep my expectations for life low enough I can achieve all of my wildest dreams.”

“Once I thought I had mono for a year, it turns out I was just really bored.”

“Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse.”

"Why say 'no' when it feels so good to say 'yes'?"

"Understanding is reached only after confrentation."

"It's far better to be ****ed off than ****ed on."

"We're family, we're gonna be doin' lots of dumb stuff together."

"What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public."

"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education." -Mark Twain

"What good fortune for those in power that people do not think." ( Adolph Hitler )

"It's a challenge. That's why it's called a short cut, because if it was easy then it would just be the way." ( Road Trip )

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods (from Kelly)

"Opinions are like ********, everyone has one and everyone thinks that everyone else's stinks!"

"Its not an optical illusion, it just looks like one" -Denny Jones

”A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.? ( Winston Churchill )

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." ( Winnie the Pooh )

"You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across the field into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they wont laugh when you trip."

"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim."

"I don't worry about what people think of me because it can't be half as bad as what I think of them."

"I laugh at danger...and then I hide and wait for it to go away."

"An eye for an eye only creates more blindness."

"If you had to wear a bra and high heels you'd be a bitch too."

"It's not PMS I just hate you."

"Men have feelings too but who really cares."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." ( Forrest gump )

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

"I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time."

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.

We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

The stages of a project : (1) Enthusiasm, (2) Depression, (3) Panic, (4) Search for the guilty, (5) Punishment of the innocent, (6) Rewards for the non-participants.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

If this person breaches their contract, they will be terminated. And I don't mean fired.
There are 2 rules for success in life : 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

I had to hit him : he was starting to make sense.

Mind intentionally left blank...

Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.

If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

There are some people we *want* to offend.

Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?

We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
Remember the world is a big place. Even if you're one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker.

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.
- Stephen Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before
- Stephen Wright

[navjotjsingh]

I dont actually know what these are but they we're quoted theirgo they're quotes.

The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
- Ashleigh Brilliant

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
- George Carlin

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Woody Allen

Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
- Steve Rubenstein

Where ever you go, there you are.
- Buckaroo Bonzai

A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster : "I wish the toaster to be happy too"

As you know, Joel, children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.
- Unknown

This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday.
- Rick Fields

In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.
- Brian E. Moore

You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie Newmar.
- Jerry Boyajian

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
- John Kim.

To err is human, but it feels divine.
- Mae West.

It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. Fourteen times.
- B. Hill.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
- Unknown

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it?

What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.

A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.

I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.
- All Anon

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- Bruce Graham

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Bruce Graham

Alone, adj : In bad company.

TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done..
- Anon

Puritan : Someone who is afraid that, somewhere, someone else is having a good time.
- H. L. Mencken.

Eloquence : The ability to describe Kim Basinger without using one's hands.
- Michael Harkness

Highbrow : A man who can listen to the William Tell overture without thinking of Robin Hood.
- Niall Tobin

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
- P.J. O'Rourke

Mustgo, n. : Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"

Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

A Milli-Helen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. A Micro-Helen is the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. A Mega-Helen is the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in any other terms than a one-night stand.
- Some Dubious metrics

God created a few perfect people. All the rest are right-handed.

From a Windows 95 demo: It's not a miracle. It's Windows 95.

Those who claim time is money are wrong. Time is life

Don't judge a book by its movie.

As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war--lots of accidents, maybe.

Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?

Good ideas come to those who steal them.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Being superstitious brings bad luck.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

After all is said and done, usually more is said.

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.

Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Two wrongs don't make a right--three lefts do.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.

On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.

My personal opinion is that apple is a fruit and that one should not mix fruits with computers because that one might end up with a Crapple.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The Internet? We are not interested in it. -- Bill Gates, 1993

640 K ought to be enough for anybody. -- Bill Gates, 1981

people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue

Never trust a tech who tattoes his IP address to his arm, especialy if it's DHCP

You know what's funny? -- Neither do we.

[cogbuddy]

Cool quotes from you dude, I really love these quotes a much than your previous thread (topics contents). Bill gates only has 640 K???

[navjotjsingh]

Nah...that was just a statement Bill Gates once said during earlier years! But atleast I can't verify if he really said that.